STOP! It’s Okay to be Angry.
“I’m not an angry person!” This is the infamous line I have heard from many of my patients on several occasions throughout my time as a psychologist. On one side of the spectrum, the emotion of Anger is seen by society as “bad,” “scary,” “out of control,” and an emotion that people are frequently told they should not feel or need to keep in. On the other side of the spectrum, is the use of anger to protect against more vulnerable emotions (but more about that in a future post). What many do not realize is that this pent up, stuffed down, repressed anger usually turns into depression and anxiety. In fact, I commonly see individuals come to treatment struggling with panic and other anxiety disorders only to find that one cause of their symptoms is a deeply rooted avoidance to feel or accept their anger. Unfortunately, like a volcano, there is only so much pressure that can build up from stuffing our anger in before we explode and typically at the wrong time, in the wrong place, toward the wrong people.
I want to caveat this by saying everyone is different and this observation has not taken away from my ability to individualize treatment, at the same time it is a belief I have frequently encountered with my patients and something I find warrants psychoeducation and attention. This is essential in not only normalizing this emotion but also challenging beliefs about what it means to be angry in order to more effectively treat subsequent mental health issues.
Anger is a very normal emotion that stems from three main reasons – (1) When something unfair or unjust happens, (2) When we feel the need to protect ourselves or someone else (feeling threatened), and/or (3) When someone or something gets in the way of our goals. Often what comes across as “bad,” “scary,” and “out of control” is the way we choose to express our anger, also known as our behaviors. We may yell, threaten, demean, or belittle. We may slam something or hit something/someone. We may even engage in passive aggressive behaviors such as the silent treatment or giving someone a heavy dose of sarcasm. It is important to remember that these behaviors are not anger, this is how we are choosing to deal and express this emotion.
Rather, anger is made up of our thoughts (i.e., “I can’t believe he did that, he’s so rude!”), our urges (i.e., an urge to punch or respond with a sassy comment), and our physiological sensations (i.e., flushed face, pressure in my head, clenched jaw). Anger is not bad and more importantly its purpose is to communicate to us that something is not okay with what is going on in our environment, prompting us to take action. It is our responsibility to act (i.e., engage in a behavior) in a way that is healthy and effective. This is easier said than done and I want to normalize that too. So rather than lashing out or stuffing anger, the next time you are feeling angry, I encourage you to STOP (see citation). *STOP* is a skill that stands for: Stop reacting or stuffing, Take a step back and Observe, nonjudgmentally, what message your anger is trying to communicate and what is occurring in the environment, then Proceed mindfully with a behavior that is in line with your values and effective for your long term goals. If we can practice the STOP skill with all our emotions, not just anger, we increase our ability to regulate our emotions and also to de-stigmatize what it means to “be angry.” Until next time, use your skills 😉
1 Linehan, M., M., (2014). DBT Training Manual. New York, NY: The Guilford Press.
